-mumble talks-

maybe i always talk about being committed, but deep down i’m afraid horrified of commitment.

i saw a friend of mine updated her ig story with a short video of her colleague’s wedding, ended up with a picture of her on the altar with the caption: “semoga ketularan”.
to me, this sort of thing, wanting to get married, seems like a plague.

here’s my thought:

marriage is not an escape

banyak orang disekitarku yang menjadikan pernikahan sebagai keinginan utamanya. mungkin karena eksploitasi dan komersialisasi proses sakral itu juga kali ya?

pernah ada momen dalam hidupku dimana aku merasa tidak ingin untuk berumahtangga. it was a long time ago, though. i’ve warmed up on the idea of settling down and of course, i want to get married.

sejujurnya aku masih takut dengan pernikahan, meski udah banyak public figure yang membuatnya terlihat dreamy and easy.

but,

the idea of being naked… and no, not physically naked.

anyone can stripped off their clothes and show their naked bodies to their loved ones. it’s a piece of cake.

i’m talking about mentally naked.

the idea of letting someone into your life, your head, your worries, your insecurities… it scares the shit out of me. bringing up too many “what ifs”

what if my partner never expect me to be vulnerable?

what if my partner always think that i’m balanced? and now that he found out i’m broken and rotten inside…..his love for me cease to exist?

what if, me being naked, makes my partner leave me?

yeah i know, marriage comes as one package with commitments and promises. the “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part” thing. but still, what if?