-mumble talks-

Today I realized that my emotional intelligence might not be as good as I thought it’d be.

For so long I always see myself as someone wise. Sure, I tend to be emotional. But just now it occured to me that it means I’m not as balanced as I thought I am.

Looking back, the signs were everywhere. I got triggered easily and I got petty over little things.

What makes me come to this realization?

So I’ve been working on this high priority project. Not the kind that my part was only to pretty the numbers and presentations, but also participate directly! This means a lot to me. I am a science graduate (chemistry majored) who’s now in digital telco industry. I’ve been looked down plenty of times because people don’t see me as someone who’s fit for the job. Oftentimes, I’m just someone who’s job is just to look up some data and make presentations. I was never involved deeply in any projects. I’ve never felt like I’m part of any team. That made me miserable.

On this current project, I’m involved directly. I’ve made connections with not only the internal team, but the external partners as well. Heck, I’m their communication channel, I’m the bridge. From partnership with third party to directing small groups of team, I feel seen. People look up to me and actually seeks my opinion and guidance. That makes me feel good. That makes me feel like I’m making an impact and also growing as an individual.

Not everybody gets it but I feel threatened with certain coworkers. I’m terrified of not being involved. I’m terrified of being benched. To the extent of I’m envying and disliking another person’s job.

I feel and I believe that I’m good with management. I’m good with negotiations. I’m good with ideas and innovations. And I’d like to keep the fire in me alive, you know? So please, give me a chance. A real chance.