-mumble talks-

So I saw a youtube shorts with writing prompts that supposedly help you stay with yourself and understand yourself better.

I’ve been so uninspired for quite a while now and I can’t keep blaming work when I do little to better the other aspects of my life. I also find that it’s harder for me now to express myself and just think and focus. My mind wanders so easily, it’s like its afraid of sitting still. Hence, I’m going to start writing again. It’s the perfect moment as well since i’ve been on a social media detox (well, only instagram and threads, but those two are major) for almost a month now.

The first prompt on that shorts is “What emotion have I been avoiding, and what might it be trying to tell me?”

I’ve been telling myself (also my husband) that I’m fine. However, maybe I’m not? Like I said, I feel uninspired. I wonder if it’s rooted in a certain emotion that I neglect. I think I mostly feel uninspired because of work. Since work has been…with no purpose and direction and even…actual work (impactful or even just any task), I feel like it’s a waste of my talent and time. I feel like I gain nothing from it and I also contribute next to nothing. However, i keep telling myself (and those who care) that I’m fine because it’s just work. Maybe I’m not willing to really admit that work is a big part of me (of who I am) that when I’m not contributing through work nor learning anything from it, it greatly affects my mood.

It’s silly because I don’t want to make work a big deal since work is a necessity. It’s just something I’ve got to do to earn money. I don’t want to define myself through work. Although I must say that I’m really good at what I do (this is biased, of course).

The other day when I was reading (i’m current reading The Anthropocene Reviewed) I came across a word that describes a feeling that I’m longing. Engrossed. I want to feel engrossed. I think the last time I truly feel submerged in something was in my work during and post covid-19 lockdown. I might also felt that during my master’s degree, but I’m not entirely sure. But my previous work, surely.

So what emotion have I been avoiding? Maybe disappointment? disappointment that i lack enthusiasm now? that i spend my time at work doing immaterial, even things that might bring negative impacts on myself like doom-scrolling youtube shorts or playing games? disappointed that i chose this role when I got back from my master’s? Maybe also a little bit of anger towards the senior leaders on my team for the lack of vision and direction? maybe even disdain? I don’t know. I can’t seem to find the right emotion to help me put into words what i’m feeling. Maybe that’s why I’m stuck in a rut and not processing this instead? But maybe this is also part of processing? I don’t know. It’s been a long time in this mud, though.

On to the next question… what might the “maybe” emotions above is telling me? Pfft. I don’t know. I still find it hard to accept the situation as it is sometimes. Although my mind can trace the logic into “it’s fine. i should just enjoy it that i’m able to slack off at work. i might not be able to do it later after the corporate transformation”, the other part of me rebels that thinking and totally rejects that by thinking “it shouldn’t be like this”. But i got nowhere by thinking that.

So… yeah. It’s a broken record.

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